Lincoln loud works at a kissing booth
by the gaming zombie writer
Summary: and why he will never ever do it again...


Ah the annual Royal Woods school fair, a time of merriment and joy that brings together people of all shapes and sizes within the suburban town.

Now mind you that this was no small school carnival, the Royal Woods school fair is brought about through the combined efforts of the elementary, middle, and high schools. Thus creating a large carnival that has everything one could ever ask for out of such an event; puke-inducing rides, artery clogging food like the double fried ice cream sundae coated in powdered sugar, and rigged carnival games that only give out cheap prizes on the rare occasions that there is a winner. They even went the extra mile to squeeze in a few competitions such as a talent show and 'who has the biggest veggies'. Not to mention that if the students gathered the necessary capital and put in the work, they could open up their own carnival booth to sell goods and services to the public to make some quick cash which only added to the wide variety of attractions within the fair.

In other words, the perfect carnival.

But that's not what the focus is here, no what we care about is a young boy around twelve years of age with snowy white hair cropped short on his head that is complemented by turkey tail on the end that many people would describe as cute, he was decked out in his iconic orange polo and jeans, his chipped front teeth showing in an expression of happiness.

Why is he so upbeat you ask? Well one could assume that it's because the preteen is in the middle of a large carnival, and you'd be somewhat correct, but there's something a bit more to his happiness.

See being in a family with ten sisters basically means his life is a playground for murphy's law, something that is proven on a near daily basis, and the Royal Woods school fair is no different from this. Ever since he could remember, his family had a tradition of going to the royal woods school fair together and ever single time something went horribly wrong that either resulted them retreating in embarrassment or being kicked out by the staff. Whether it be an infant Lincoln Loud wandering off in the middle of the fair and somehow ending up on top of the ferris wheel or Lynn Loud letting her competitive side get the better of her in carnival games to an extreme degree or a rebellious Lana Loud letting the entire animal exhibit loose all at once, the day always ended in chaos for all of them.

But not this time, no Lincoln Loud had a good feeling about this year, like nothing could possibly go wrong this time whatsoever. His siblings had agreed to split off to do their own things at the fair and meet back up at the entrance at the end, their parents asking (or rather begging on their hands and knees) for the Loud children to be on their best behavior this time which they had no problem agreeing to as many had grown tired of being kicked out year after year.

Lori, the eldest, went off to the food court to meet up with her precious boo-boo bear as he had made arrangements to visit her from out of town with the rest of his extended family who had similarly scattered themselves along the fairground.

Leni, the seamstress, had been entrusted with looking after the infant of the Loud house: Lily Loud. Deciding to go on some of the tamer rides and activities around the fair that both of them could enjoy equally, like the mitten roller coaster (which Leni still shrieked after going down it's extremely small hill, much to her baby sister's exasperation) or the face painting station.

Luna, the rocker, naturally gravitated towards the royal woods talent show in order to be able to show off her free spirit in front of a live audience, perhaps there would be another celebrity guest hiding in the audience and she would claim the fame she so much desires.

Luan, the prankster, ominously stated that she had a business affair to settle with some of the resident clowns at the fair; what few people knew outside of her direct family was that Luan had a certain grudge match going with the local clowns after a certain incident involving a truck load of creme pies and a large rubber noodle, ever since then they've been at each other's throats in an all out prank war.

Lynn, the athlete, ventured off to the carnival games after promising to maintain her cool unlike the carnival two years ago where she had been cheated out of a baseball bat prize on the milk jug toss, instead choosing to take the opportunity to show off and prove her physical superiority to everyone else playing the games.

Lucy, the goth, headed towards the haunted house with the intent of doing research for next halloween (or at the very least get a good laugh out of the cheap animatronics they held within their walls) and later set up her fortune telling stand in her rented spot, hopefully a certain white haired boy would come by and at least humor her.

Lana, the tomboy, was heading over towards the mud wrestling pit to defend her title from both human and animal alike, she had to admit with Liam's pig Virgina being one of the contender she was going up against stiff competition this year but she was still confident in her mud wrestling skills that had been honed through several years of training.

Lola, the bratty princess, decided to take a tour through the hall of mirrors in order to feed her own vanity as a toddler in a tiara while also making funny faces at the plethora of warped and wobbled mirrors to stay in touch with her more playful side.

Lisa, the brainiac, traversed towards the thrill rides of the park but not to ride any of them as the height restrictions barred her from doing so, rather she sought to collect samples of expelled stomach bile for another one of her studies to experiment on for purposes that simple people could never hope to comprehend.

And lastly we have Lincoln Loud, the sole male of the family, who wanted to do a little bit of everything: ride the rides, eat the food, play the games, and generally have a good time with friends and family alike.

Taking a large bite of his mustard covered corn dog, Lincoln's eyes scanned the crowd for one of his partners in crime who had agreed to meet up with him today so they could all ride the Cranium Shaker together and show Chandler that they were NOT chicken.

"Hey Lincoln! Over here buddy!" shouted a familiar voice.

Well speak of the devil.

Lincoln looked over to see Rusty Spokes waving at him from a small wooden booth and the white haired boy could only roll his eyes as to what it was for.

Hand painted on the front of the stand in rather messy penmanship were the words: **kissing booth, 1 kiss = 1 dollar.**

That was so typical of Rusty 'ladies man' Spokes, the kid had fancied himself as a casanova of sorts even though the self imposed label was a total delusion, he had been trying at every turn to court the female populace of Royal Woods Elementary only to be met with failure at nearly every turn because of the simple fact that he was completely and utterly clueless when it came to girls; a sharp contrast to Lincoln who was somewhat of an expert on how to properly approach a female due to being essentially raised by them. Rusty's behavior had only worsened after his break up with Polly Pain as he had started to get very desperate for a rebound date.

So desperate apparently, that he had used his hard earned money to set up a kissing booth at the school fair. But Lincoln wasn't the type to belittle his friend's hairbrained schemes, especially since he had more than his fair share of crazy plans that had spectacularly crashed and burned.

"Hi rusty, what's up?" said Lincoln, discarding his now bare corn dog stick.

"Just waiting for some lovely ladies to show up and make a donation to a worthy cause" Rusty replied with a cheeky smile.

"I can see that. Any takers?"

"Not yet" said Rusty, shaking his empty money jar for emphasis "but you know what they say: build it and they will come."

"I'm not sure the guy who said that had a kissing booth in mind Rusty…."

"Pfft. Whatever, you'll be eating those words when I'm covered in lipstick Loud."

"Sure. anyway, are you still up for riding the Cranium Shaker with us?"

Rusty rubbed the back of his neck "yeah, about that….I was thinking that I'd get a lot more cred from getting kisses from a bunch of girls over riding the Cranium Shaker."

"What?" Lincoln blinked in bewilderment "but we made a ketchup pact on monday that we'd all ride it together! You don't break a ketchup pact!"

"I know, but this is important Lincoln! We're talking about girls here, if I stay I might wind up walking out of here with a new one on my arm!" Rusty pleaded.

Lincoln could only sigh, Rusty was right in a way; he really did need to get a girlfriend, this whole lonely attitude he had going was getting really old really fast.

A loud rumbling sound coming from underneath the table interrupted the thought process of both boys and Rusty laid a hand on his stomach.

"Look, I know it might be asking a lot but can you do me a favor and watch the stand while I get something to eat? Those Big Willy hot dogs are calling my name." Said Rusty.

"I dunno, I was kinda hoping to see more of the fair today."

"Look I'll only be gone for like, five minutes tops, you'll have the rest of the day to do whatever you want. Please, I'll owe you one."

"What if a girl comes along?

"Well don't keep a lady waiting, just give em' a quick kiss and send them on their way. Besides how many girls could possibly come along in five minutes?" said Rusty.

"Alright fine, but you'd better be right back." said Lincoln plopping down on the stool.

"Thanks man! Rusty away!" the bike enthusiast replied before running off.

Lincoln propped his head up on one his open palms and started drumming his fingers against the wooden table in boredom.

'Well I guess there could be worse ways to spend a day at the carnival and I don't hear any explosions yet so I guess none of my sisters have gotten into trouble again, maybe we can still get through a school fair without any trouble for once' Lincoln said in his head, blissfully unaware of the development occurring mere yards away from the stand.

Ronnie Anne and Girl Jordan, two of the most significant girls in his life that were in no way related to him had bumped into each other and started up a conversation, namely about what's been going on in Royal Woods since the tough girl left.

"So his clothes had gotten completely torn up?" asked Ronnie Anne.

"Yep, he was in his underwear for everyone to see. I couldn't imagine how mortifying it was for him." said Girl Jordan.

"Eh, his sisters have done worse to him, he's probably over it. Still would have liked to see it in person."

"I guess, though I'm surprised by how in shape he is."

That comment sparked a few jealous feelings that Ronnie Anne had tried to keep buried within her.

"Really?" said the bully through slightly gritted teeth.

"Well yeah, I mean I always thought he was on the scrawny side but…..hey isn't that Lincoln right over there?"

Ronnie looked over to see that her crush was indeed seated a short distance away from them at a simple wooden booth, though both girl's faces were painted a delightful shade of red when they read the label of the stand.

"A k-kissing booth? L-Lincoln opened a k-kissing booth?" stammered Ronnie Anne.

"I guess he did." Girl Jordan said calmly, before getting up and making an immediately beeline for the stand.

"HEY! GET BACK HERE!" Ronnie Anne shouted, giving chase.

Back at the kissing booth, Lincoln had actually started to doze off, it felt like Rusty had taken way more than five minutes to get his hands on his Big Willy and it was starting to take its toll on the boy's attention span.

Luckily a loud slamming sound resonating off of the front of the stand woke him up very quickly.

"BACK OFF, I GOT HERE FIRST!" Girl Jordan shouted, trying to shove the latina girl away with her foot.

"IN YOUR DREAMS, LINCOLN'S MINE!" Ronnie Anne shouted back, yanking on the braid in Jordan's hair.

"Hey! Hey! What are you guys doing?!" Lincoln shouted.

The two girls froze mid fight to stare at the cute white haired boy running the booth

"Uhhh, trying to decide who's first in line?" said Ronnie Anne, still holding Girl Jordan's braid in a death grip.

Lincoln chuckled "heh, good one Ronnie Anne. Seriously, why are you two here?"

Lincoln paused for a few seconds, waiting for the laughter that never came. Gradually the boy game to the grim realization that the girl wasn't joking at all.

"Wait you're serious?"

Finally freeing her ponytail from the tomboy's grasp, Girl Jordan slapped a wad of bills down onto the stand and stared at Lincoln with a blank expression and a pronounced blush.

Lincoln could only stare back at her with the same blank expression, only his was mixed with slight hints of fear.

"So is tongue included in the package? Or do I have to pay extra for that?"

"Buh, buh, buh….." Lincoln started to stammer, did it just get hotter out here?

"Hey, can you guys hurry up? The rest of us want a turn too!" shouted a third feminine voice.

Lincoln peered over the heads of the two girls standing in front of the booth and instantly paled at the sight he was met with.

In the short period that Girl Jordan and Ronnie Anne had been arguing, a massive line of girls had formed behind them and seemed to stretch for at least mile.

Every girl he knew from his school seemed to be there: Cookie, Stella, Tabby, Giggles, Haiku, Polly Pain, Brownie, Mollie, Cristina (trying to disguise herself with sunglasses), Penelope, Renee, Paige, Margo, Gabby, and Hattie.

But it didn't stop at girls his age, no there were several girls far older than him waiting patiently in line with rather seductive looks on their faces: Carol, Becky, Dana, Quinlan, Jackie, Fiona, Mandee, Sam Sharp, Maggie, Leni's sleepover friends, Lynn's softball team, Nikki (shouldn't she be in the city?!), and even Ronnie's cousin Carlota.

And those were just the girls he knew! There had to be at least a dozen more who he didn't even recognize waiting in line. It was like the entire female populace of Royal Woods ranging from girls his age all the way to high schoolers wanted a kiss from him! In fact there might have even been a few boys mixed in….

'At least none of my sisters are in line, that's something right?' Lincoln nervously thought to himself. 'And why is it so hot out today?!'

All of a sudden Lincoln found his mouth becoming extremely dry, his sweat now forming a puddle at the bottom of the stool, his hands digging into the wood of the stand so hard that it started to form cracks.

"C-can't we just talk about this for a second?" Lincoln asked, fear dripping from every single word.

"Nope." Girl Jordan replied, stuffing the bills into the money jar and grabbing hold of Lincoln's cheeks. "Now pucker up loverboy."

It was at that moment Lincoln knew: he had made a very poor decision…..

* * *

Hours later the sun had begun to set, painting the sky wonderful hues of orange and red and the carnival had begun to close down their setup.

And for once the entire Loud family was content with how things had gone; there hadn't been a single mishap, not one incident that merited them getting booted from the fair, they had all accomplished what they had come to the fair for, even Lynn had a wagon full of plushies as a result of figuring out the tricks to beating carnival games, and now were at the entrance waiting for their sole male sibling to arrive.

"Where is he? Lincoln should have met us here fifteen minutes ago." said Lori, checking the time on her phone.

"Maybe little bro's trying to get on a few last minute rides." said Luna.

"That doesn't explain why he didn't text us about it." Lori replied, worry beginning to grow.

"Perhaps he is shtill experiencing extreme vertigo from the teacup ride, a common affliction of such carnival attractions." said Lisa.

A few alerts popped up on Lynn's phone from Clyde, the athlete checked it and frowned "no that's not it, Clyde just texted me and said that none of Lincoln's friends have seen him all day."

"Okay that's it, I'm going to look for him, the rest of you stay here." Lori ordered.

It took her about five minutes of searching before she came across the white haired boy, though it did little to ease her concerns.

The boy was seated down on a bench with his head down, his shirt extremely wrinkled and a jar overflowing with money clutched in his hands; as the eldest loud got closer she could see that the boy was shivering all over. All of these were massive red flags for the eldest sibling.

"Lincoln?"

The boy sniffed but kept his head down "w-what Lori?"

Okay something definitely happened to him, so much for an incident free school fair, maybe the Cranium Shaker was a bit too much for the little guy.

"You okay Linc?" asked Lori, kneeling down to meet him at eye level.

"Am I okay?" Lincoln said in an eerily calm tone, before his head violently whipped up with an upset expression on his face "DO I LOOK OKAY TO YOU?!"

Lori had one hand covering her mouth in shock, her brother was reduced to a complete and total wreck: his hair was messed up and sticking around in all directions, his eyes bloodshot with tears coming out of them, his face covered with so many different shades of lipstick that it might as well have been a Jackson Pollock painting, his own lips were red and sore, dripping saliva.

"Oh my god! What happened to you?!" said Lori, going full mom mode on her younger brother. "Did somebody jump you or something?"

Lincoln only pointed over to his side in response; when Lori followed his arm, she noticed the kissing booth set up a few feet away and that's when the pieces started to come together.

"And before you ask, it was all Rusty's idea; I just got roped into it!" said Lincoln through tears "I-I don't get it! Everything was fine one minute and the next a couple hundred girls were swarming the place! I can't feel my lips anymore and I'm not sure how much of the spit in the mouth is even mine!"

"Wait which girls?"

"ALL OF THEM!"

Lori didn't give a response, all she could do is bring her younger brother into a hug and soothingly stroke his hair.

"It's alright Linc, it's okay."

"Thanks Lori….it wasn't all bad I guess, at least I got away with five-hundred dollars from this." Lincoln said with a weak chuckle, returning his sister's hug

* * *

When the Loud family arrived home that night, Lincoln immediately bolted upstairs for a long shower, all that lipstick was starting to dry on his face and it was getting itchy. Following up by thoroughly washing his mouth out, he didn't know if you could get cooties from kissing that many girls in such a short time frame and he didn't want to find out.

As for what happened to Rusty, it was revealed through a few text messages that there was a fairly long line for the food stands which took way longer than five minutes and by the time he had finished eating his Big Willy; Cylde, Liam, and Zach had found him and dragged him over to the Cranium Shaker where he proceeded to puke his guts out. During his recovery he had completely forgotten that he had left Lincoln alone to man the kissing booth, a choice that he came to greatly regret since one of his friends ended up kissing more girls in a day than he likely would in his entire life.

Lincoln's sisters went a bit easier on the poor boy, mainly out of pity; sure they had always wanted their little brother to have some luck with girls but they never wanted him to be passed around like a make out doll. They would have some harsh words for their friends they saw them, although Lynn did high five Lincoln for having so many girls chasing after him.

Despite the mortifying experience, Lincoln still felt he came out fairly unscathed. He made five hundred dollars and all he ended up with was a sore mouth; not to mention that if the recent comments on his lifebook page were anything to go by, word had gotten around and many of the boys in his grade envied the guy, in addition to some of the more….risque replies he had gotten from the girls.

As he was counting out his money and thinking up pie-eyed dreams of what he was going to do with it all, he was blissfully unaware of the conversations happening in a few of the other rooms.

Such as Luna and Luan's

"Hey sis, do ya think Linc knows we took him for a spin on that kissing booth?" Luna asked, her top half hanging over the side of his bunk.

"Nah, he would have said something if he did. I think it's safe to assume his LIPS are sealed. Get it?" Luan replied, eliciting a groan from her older sister.

Or perhaps Lynn and Lucy's room

"So how was your kiss with him?" asked the Loud family athlete

"Soft yet firm and oh so greedy, he tastes like vanilla ice cream." said Lucy, a dreamy smile on her normally somber face.

"I hear that, mine was nice and sloppy, I really wanted to get in there…..hey just so we're clear, we tell nobody that we were in that line."

"I swear on Edwin's immortal soul Lynn, I won't breathe a word of this to anyone else. Although you may want to tell Leni that, she tends to be a bit absent minded in these affairs…"

Speaking of which…

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Lori screamed

"*sigh* nevermind" muttered the goth.

Maybe next year's school fair would be the one where nothing went wrong….yeah right, like that was ever gonna happen.

* * *

 **A/N please note that this entire fic is basically a joke directed at the massive amount of lincoln ships that are out there, a joke I am never going to apologize for as long as I live.**


End file.
